THREE DECADES

As two decades of my life draw to a close and my third about to begin, I realize that moments like these are not more significant than any other. In fact, their significance is so fleeting that they become a dry ritual 1. Because they are annual, but they are refreshing because 2. They always seem to catch us off-guard. 

As in: panicking the moment before you have to blow out the candles. You hold your breath just a little bit longer in anticipation of the right "wish" or perhaps for its mere validity. You fully know this ritual happens every year, and yet, every year you are caught off guard as if you'd never known of the simple concept of "birthday."

As in: Christmas Eve and trying to stay awake to meet Santa, or catch your parents. You fully know that all you have to do is simply stay awake, but it always turns out to be the one night of the year you absolutely cannot keep your eyes open. 

I remember a yearly ritual I attempted as an elementary student through middle school upon the turn of every new year. I decided that upon waking up on every January 1st, I would say one word, a particular word, and every year that word would eventually form a sentence. I think I started the first year with a pronoun, but after that initial year I must have forgotten what I had said the year prior because each year after Year Pronoun I probably said the same pronoun. I remember waking up each year and scrambling to remember what word I was actually going to say. I proceeded with the concept and no real objective outcome in mind, but I could never quite get it right, even though I had been attempting it for four years. This odd practice ceased upon high school, just to clarify so no one thinks I'm all that weird. 

It might have helped actually having a sentence planned out in the first place. Maybe that was my mistake. Or maybe it was because I wasn't too keen on getting it right. Maybe it was a lousy attempt to celebrate a tradition that was automatically going to pass me by whether or not I participated in some recognition or festivity of it. 

I am actually quite thankful that we don't go spending the rest of our time thinking about making wishes for birthdays, preparing for the first day of school, New Years, holidays and other suches. The stark realization of every time makes us recognize the continuity and consistency of life and our vital participation in it. 

Time. Time can be argued in many ways, including dimensions, mental states, and other fascinating whatnots. My argument of time for this particular post is that these caught-off guard kind of rituals allow us to feel time. These are the moments, the markers (no matter their significance and the perception of the timeline of situations) that let us feel time. Feeling a measurement of time, no, but feeling the presence of time, yes. Just for a stark second. 

So this is what I have to say at the close of my two decades. I have no advice for the young-ins, others in Satan-spawned situations (prayer and relationship with God will get you through), great quotes or mantras to pass on, but all I know is that I will be blowing out 21 representational candles tomorrow. I will still be caught off guard in that exact moment. I will be reminded by this insignificant action that I am alive, once again.